Hot Pulp - Celebrity Pictures and Wordsmithery

Elle Macpherson on "The Beautiful Life" - My TiVo works harder than ever!

2009-09-16T10:12:00.001-04:00

To tell you the truth, I had been building a brand in Europe and the U.K. and Australia with lingerie and with my body products, and I knew I needed exposure in America; the best way to get exposure in America is through television.
I've had 25 years in the fashion industry and many years as a businesswoman, so it's great for me to be able to combine my two fields in this character, Claudia. She's the head of the modelling agency. And you know, she has been through a lot. You can see it on her face. I think she's going to have an interesting plot.
The wardrobe was mine -- we had no budget! Hopefully I'm going to get my lingerie in there, believe me! - Elle Macpherson

That's right, Elle Macpherson is going to be back on TV in "The Beautiful Life". Now I am not saying that this show is going to be a hit, but it is going to be the most TiVo'd show in the history of my house. And of course by that I mean I am going to download all the best Elle Macpherson parts from YouTube. Someone tell me when the lingerie episode comes on?

Jim Carrey fake marries Jenny McCarthy!

2009-09-16T09:26:00.000-04:00

The vows basically said that they would 'be forever in love' with one another and that they would always be together. For the two of them, it was as good as a marriage ceremony. They stayed at the Fantasy Tower in a luxury Sky Villa suite (in Vegas). When they weren't kissing and cuddling, the two of them played Texas hold 'em. He insists that he and Jenny are incredibly happy together, and they don't want to jinx things by tying the knot. Jim says he doesn't need a legal ceremony or a piece of paper, and Jenny feels the same. - Anonymous source

Come on, this is Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy. They probably dressed up as hobos and farted towards each other. The whole thing stinks of self-promotion - probably because one or both of them have some new movie coming out. They might as well just release a sex-tape and call it "Ace Venutra 3 - the Search for Jenny McCarthy's Pussy (cat)".

But maybe I am underestimating Jim Carrey. Just because he is a Canadian doesn't necessarily mean he's an idiot. He's been getting Jenny McCarthy in the sack for 3 years now without a commitment, and now he has "married her" without risking losing half his stuff in the not-too-distant divorce (this is Hollywood after-all). Kudos to you Jim!

“Mohr Cox is bad for your health” – Some Science guy

2009-09-15T08:21:00.000-04:00

I’ll be the first to admit that I am no Doctor. I am probably so far from being a Doctor that I can’t even see a Doctor from where I am standing ... but I digress. Being a responsible blogger, I was up late the other night doing – and what I mean by “research” is “looking at girlie pictures” – and I came across these pictures of Nikki Cox with her husband Jay Mohr.

Now I don’t want to judge, but what the heck happened to Nikki Cox? Take a look at these before pictures from “Run Ronnie Run”. I think that Nikki Mohr-Cox might need a little Mohr sleep (and please, no more lip injections!). Ha ... see what I did there?

Beyonce and Kanye - What the hell?

2009-09-14T09:20:00.000-04:00

I am sure just about every blog on the net has something to say about the Kanye West / Taylor Swift incident at the VMAs last night. Ok sure it was weird, but what do you expect from Kanye West. My only question is – Why does anyone even let this guy in the building?

But more importantly, Beyonce was a totally class act and let Taylor Swift finish her acceptance speech. And perhaps even more importantly, Beyonce put on a sequined – I don’t even know what to call that? A bathing suit? – to perform her song “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it)”. There is your must-see TV folks!

Kim Kardashian might have Diarrhea!

2009-09-14T08:16:00.001-04:00

I lost my last 6lbs fast & toned up! Loving Quick Trim. Quick Trim does a body good! - Kim Kardashian

Ok, I am not fitness and nutrition guru but there is no way that losing 6 pounds over a weekend can be healthy - unless you had your leg cut off in some sort of freak combine accident. But here is Kim Kardashian proudly showing off the results of her 'Quick Trim' diet.

Let me set something straight here, that weight loss product has not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, and the side effects of the product include insomnia, irregular heartbeat, dizziness, vomiting, headache, loss of appetite, raised blood pressure, increased heart rate and diarrhea. So while Kim Kardashian might LOOK good in that bikini I sure wouldn't want to stand behind her if she bends over to pick up her keys.

Jennifer Connelly is chilly in Toronto ...

2009-09-11T09:00:00.003-04:00

Now I have heard that it's cold up there in Canada with all the igloos and Eskimos and Hockey Players, but finally I have some proof. Here are some pictures of Jennifer Connelly on the red carpet for the screening of her new movie "Creation" at the Toronto International Film Festival (Sept. 10, 2009). Either she has caught a chill, or her nipples are trying to usher people in to the closest available seat.

Now normally these chick flicks don't interest me, but tonight I will be searching the video store for a 3D copy of "He's Just Not That Into You". Wait, that movie stars both Jennifer Connelly and Jennifer Aniston! I sure hope they handed out safety goggles and got extra insurance for the rest of the crew.

Fergie's Shorts open the NFL Season

2009-09-11T07:59:00.004-04:00

What in the hell is going on in the NFL? The Black Eyed Peas open up the 2009-2010 Football season? Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas are about as close to football as I am to a bar of soap. Now I'm not saying that nobody can like both Fergie and football, I'm just saying that I don't bathe much.

Despite the fact that the music was horrible, there was one redeeming quality in the Black Eyed Peas performance last night - Fergie's shorts! I don't know where that woman buys her space pants, but damn that ass looked out of this world. There was a full moon a-rising in Pittsburgh last night ... and in my pants.

Pamela Anderson is Too Sexy for your Airport!

2009-09-10T08:45:00.002-04:00

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has filmed a new ad staring Pamela Anderson as a scantily-clad flight security guard who strips passengers of fur and leather. The ad was supposed to be shown in airports in New York City until "someone" realized that there might be children in the airport to young to be aware that millions of New Yorkers masturbate to Pamela Anderson daily - despite record sales of the "I Wank to Pam" bumper-sticker in that state.

And of course who would I be without presenting the ad to you for your entertainment?

Lindsay Lohan becomes a Fashion Guru??

2009-09-10T08:28:00.004-04:00

Hollywood rumour has it that Lindsay Lohan has a new job - and surprisingly enough it's not as a face-pie-catcher for some 3rd rate birthday clown (I guess she is doing enough face-pie-catching on her own time!). Nope, Fashion House Ungaro has hired her to help them design a new clothing line because they feel that Lindsay Lohan is a "super-consumer" and therefore must know something about fashion and how to dress.

I can admit that I don't see Lindsay Lohan everyday, but I have seen enough pictures of her to know that most of the time she is a fashion disaster. Hiring Lindsay Lohan as your fashion advisor is right up there with hiring Jenna Jameson as your abstinence coach. But who am I to talk - the last time I put on clean clothes Rosie O'Donnell still had a career ...

Megan Fox doesn't videotape sex!

2009-09-09T08:31:00.003-04:00

That's the last thing I want to see - what I look like having sex. It would take one shot of me not looking good and I would not be able to have sex ever again, because I would always just see myself looking like a hippo having sex.

I can't ever imagine myself doing nudity in a film. It lives forever, especially now, within the internet. I just can't. Everything you say gets judged, everything you do gets judged. Literally all I have left are my private parts and I don't want to share them with the world. I'd like to keep them private. That's why they're called that! - Megan Fox

Good ol' Megan Fox. It seems like whenever she opens her mouth something stupid just tumbles out of it. I mean, of course right now when her career is hot she doesn't want to do nudity, but mark my words 5 years from now when no one remembers her she will start cranking out B-movies every other weekend full of vampires and nudity and all the other stuff that we all like to watch in the after-midnight movies.

Jennifer Aniston gives the worst relationship advice EVER!!

2009-09-08T08:30:00.002-04:00

Why does the romance leave relationships? I think it's laziness. I really do. I think a good relationship is about collaboration. That's the way to go in a relationship.

I think you just need to talk to each other. Say what you need. Say what you want. That way it's not threatening. You just need to say, 'This is important to me.' Don't expect your mate to read your mind. I think that's because it's just instinctual as a woman to be the caretaker of your home. Women complain that men don't do enough, but it's your own fault. You train your man to do nothing. You can't blame someone for not knowing what his or her job should be if you don't ask for it right off the bat. - Jennifer Aniston

No wonder all of Jennifer Aniston's relationships fail. She actually thinks that the way to keep a man is by talking and continually nagging him with your wants and needs? Wow! Talk about bad advice. Take it from me, Jennifer Aniston, the key to keeping your relationship alive is by shutting your mouth and let your man watch football while you make him a steak sandwich in your sexiest lingerie ... bring him a beer as well and we are almost taking jewellery!

Tila Tequila gets hammered, falls down, and blames Shawne Merriman?

2009-09-08T08:19:00.002-04:00

I think when it all surfaces, it will be a different situation. Period. At the time, I was concerned about her welfare given the intoxicated state she appeared to be in and I encouraged her to stay until safe transportation could be provided. We would all do our best to help a friend if we considered their actions to be detrimental to their personal safety.

I in no way caused any harm to Ms. Nguyen (Tila Tequila), however, paramedics were called and she was examined but no injuries were reported. It's kind of a tough situation where you think you're doing the right thing. I'm glad that everyone was safe at the end of the day. I don't think I will regret that part. - Shawne Merriman

Let's just get the facts straight here - Shawne Merriman is a 270 pound NFL linebacker. Tila Tequila is about 89 pounds when she is carrying a 90 pound weight. If Shawne Merriman threw Tila Tequila to the ground Tila would be dead and most of the Tequila family would be seriously injured.

But this gives me a great idea for a follow-up show to "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" called "A Shot at Tila Tequila" where contestants wear football helmets and line-up to tackle Tila Tequila. I could watch something like that for hours!

Is Michael Jackson Dead? Is he Janet and Latoya?

2009-09-02T14:06:00.002-04:00

Is Michael Jackson Dead? That is the question everyone is asking after this clip of Michael Jackson walking out of the coroners van surfaced on YouTube the other day. Yes, I am aware it is a hoax. However, and more importantly to me, is Micheal Jackson also Janet Jackson and Latoya? You decide!

Kim Mathers rants about Little Eminem ...

2009-09-02T09:01:00.003-04:00

He's not very well endowed. If you're going to have sex with Marshall, make sure you have a little blue pill, because otherwise it does not work.

There's nothing left in me for him. Nothing at all. I can't stand him. He's an absolutely horrible person and he gets worse every day. I vomit in my mouth whenever I'm around him or I hear his name. - Kim Mathers (Ex-wife of Eminem)

Seems like the Little Slim Shady can't stand up!

But seriously, I am so tired of hearing women complain about the size of their man's penis. Well, I am tired of hearing women complain about the size of my penis. Ok, fine, I am tired of looking in the mirror and complaining about the size of my own penis. It seems to me that this whole "penis enlargement" craze is backwards. Instead of spending a bunch of money on pills to make your penis bigger, how about we invent a cream that makes vaginas tighter? Who's with me?

Lindsay Lohan to get a cool Million for Playboy?

2009-09-02T08:44:00.003-04:00

An anonymous source has told Australia's "The Day" newspaper that Lindsay Lohan is considering and offer of $900 000 dollars to pose for Playboy. This new offer is up from the previous offer of $500 000. On a related note I am currently entertaining an offer of 43 cents to photoshop together various upskirt and boob-slip paparazzi photos of Linday Lohan to beat Playboy to the punch.

It seems to me that either Hugh Hefner has gone mad from his old age (and probably syphilis) or he is a true genius. It's harder to find a full set of teeth in Mississippi than it is to find Linsay Lohan nude on the internet. Are people really going to fork over $8 for a magazine when you just know that some kid in Germany is going to scan daddy's advance copy onto his blog 3 weeks before it even hits the news stands? Then again, it's easier to throw out a magazine than it is to keep buying Windex to keep my monitor clean ...

Megan Fox is Vagina Powers!

2009-09-01T14:25:00.002-04:00

Women hold the power because we have the vaginas. If you're in a heterosexual relationship and you're a female, you win. I never call them guys. I always called them boys. Maybe it's a superiority complex - my needing to keep them down.

I can flip on a switch in my brain, and even if the next Brad Pitt is standing next to me, I won't look at him. But I can also turn that switch off, and then I collect attractive boys. It's fun when someone intends to put you in his back pocket, but instead, he walks away wounded. I make it a mind game so they don't know if I'm hitting on them or mocking them.

I'd like a sexy sandwich with Andy Samberg and Jonah Hill. - Megan Fox, Cosmopolitan magazine

Megan Fox is darn lucky that she is hot because thems is fighting words. If Megan Fox ever tried any of that "keeping men down" mumbo-jumbo on me I'd show her. That's 385 of pissed off blogger she would have to deal with. Then again who am I kidding. If Megan Fox even talked to me I would probably take her picture with my cell-phone, hand her my wallet and run away. You hear the Megan, my whole wallet and the 17 cents in it ...

Demi Moore Never had Plastic Surgery!?

2009-09-01T08:41:00.003-04:00

It's completely false. I've never had it (cosmetic surgery) done. But I would never judge those who have. If it's the best thing for them, then I don't see a problem. I don't like the idea of having an operation to hold up the ageing process - it's a way to combat your neurosis. The scalpel won't make you happy.

That said, the day when I start crying when I look at myself in the mirror might be the day when I'm less adamant about not having it done. But for the moment I prefer to be a beautiful woman of my age than try desperately to look 30. - Marie Claire (France)

Ok, let's get one thing straight - I am NOT offended that Demi Moore has had some work done. As a matter of fact I am patiently waiting for the straight to DVD release of "Strip Tease 2 - Demi Boogaloo" so that I can compile another 4 minute MPEG of the naked parts. But claiming she hasn't had any work done is like me saying that I don't like fried cheese when you can clearly see where it dripped onto my shirt (see ... right there ... next to the ketsup). What's that, show us some picture evidence you say? Done!

Jennifer Aniston is wearing John Meyer's watch ...

2009-08-31T08:27:00.002-04:00

John (Mayer) gave Jennifer (Anitson) the Rolex when they were at the height of their romance in May 2008. Jennifer hardly took the watch off, but when they split she stopped wearing it. In recent weeks she's started wearing it again to show John he's still in her thoughts. She's even been sending him flirty texts and emails.

Jennifer's plan is obviously working - John is a keen Rolex collector and Jennifer knows how symbolic the gesture is to him. He's been replying to her with racy pictures and emails. It's only a matter of time before they officially announce they're back together. - Anonymous Source

You can speculate all you want on why Jennifer Aniston might be wearing the Rolex her ex-boyfriend gave her, but sometimes you just gotta say to yourself she's wearing it because IT'S A GODDAM ROLEX. If Satan's cousin gave me a Rolex for my birthday I would wear it everyday to, and not just to taunt Jesus! And it would probably help with the chicks ... "Yeah that's a Rolex on my wrist AND there's a Tag Heuer in my pants". Besides, a woman as hot as Jennifer Aniston could show up to our date wearing her ex-boyfriends underwear and I would STILL pay for her dinner ... Garcon, make that the Big Mac combo pour Deux!

Jessica Simpson Loves Football

2009-08-28T08:10:00.003-04:00

Talk about fast - before the witches spell is even cast and before she's even had a chance to wash Tony Romo's stink of her, Jessica Simpson is already being courted by another NFL Quarterback, Colt Brennan of the Washington Redskins. I have heard of the "hurry-up offence" in football, but this is ridiculous.

The Washington Redskins ended last year in their divisional cellar. Maybe Colt Brennan doesn't read my blog, but it he did he would be aware of the Jessica Simpson curse. Now I am not saying that Jessica Simpson is the reason behind losing football games, I'm just saying that all I would think about with Jessica Simpson around would be trying to score a rushing touchdown in her end zone (if you know what I mean).

Shanna Moakler Rants On-line (and no one cares)

2009-08-27T08:29:00.003-04:00

I am VERY aware that one day my children will grow up and read what is on the internet. THAT is why I have tried every avenue to stop the abusive and false accusations which only hurts them in the long run.

ZERO tolerance for pedophiles, if you touch a child, in my eyes, you should be sterilized. You're rights taken away. I think it is not only ABSURD to suggest I would ever allow my child remotely near such a thing. This accusation is false and cruel and publicly damaging.

I think running to social networks to slander others only draws negative attention, begins falsehoods for both parties. I have cooperated with my ex in every measure he has asked. I allowed my children to go on tour for 4 weeks with their father, I make visitation as easy as possible, I am even willing to take a tour bus home to ease his tensions with the children flying, a 3 days drive.

I am a AMAZING mother, who loves and will protect her children fiercely! Any other notion would be simply ridiculous!
-Shanna Moakler (ex-wife of Blink-182 Travis Barker)

That is quite a rant. But the bottom line is - who cares? I see your lips moving, Shanna Moakler, but I gotta admit I am distracted by your boobies.

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Jessica Simpson hires a Witch!

2009-08-24T14:16:00.004-04:00

Jessica Simpson paid an internet witch to put a curse on her ex-boyfriend. Jessica - who was dumped by football star Tony Romo - has visited a woman she met online to help her put a spell on Tony and ruin his chances of falling in love again (and hopefully ruin the Cowboys chances of making the playoffs - Go Giants!).

That's right. Take that Tony Romo. I am sure your life of fame, football riches and supermodel girlfriends will be tough to enjoy now that you have been cursed by a witch from the internet. Of course, I would have enjoyed it more if Jessica Simpson had been arrested in a drunken rage toilet-papering Cowboys Stadium. Where are the drunken teen revenge pranks when you need them?!

Britney Spears: Free Pie!

2009-08-19T12:18:00.004-04:00

Britney Spears' Top 10 presidential pledges:

1. I'd be the first president to wear eye shadow since Nixon.

2. We would only invade fun places, like Cabo.

3. Free pie for everybody!

4. My situation room would be a cabana at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas.

5. I'd lure Osama Bin Laden out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance Circus Fantasy.

6. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes.

7. If I was president America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy.

8. I would challenge US to put a nightclub on the moon by the end of the decade.

9. Three words: Vice President Diddy.

10. Finally the media would pay some attention to me!
-Late Night with David Letterman

I wonder what kind of pie she is talking about since she pretty much seems to be giving away her pie for free already ...

Britney Spears is single - I can live with this ...

2009-08-17T13:34:00.002-04:00

Britney Spears' boyfriend Jason Trawick has ended their relationship after feeling pressured to marry the singer.

Britney Spears has been dumped by her boyfriend - because he felt under pressure to propose to her.

A source told National Enquirer magazine: "It was just too fast, too soon for Jason. He didn't like the pressure Britney and her family were putting on him to put a ring on her finger. He told Britney repeatedly that he would never marry, but she refused to believe him. She thought she could change his mind by having a baby with him. Jason told Britney he needs time to chill away from her. She's heartbroken."

Now Britney wouldn't be my first choice for a life of sanity and serenity, but she sure has enough money to keep me happy for a long time - especially since all I need is a room over the garage and a stready flow of Taco Bell and Twinkies. So Britney, if you are listening, Yes, I will marry you ..

Alyssa Milano got Married ... My will to live is Gone ...

2009-08-17T13:27:00.002-04:00

Alyssa Milano married David Bugliari in a relaxed ''family-oriented'' ceremony in New Jersey on Aug 15, 2009.

The former 'Charmed' actress wore a custom-made Vera Wang gown and held a bouquet of Lily of the Valley flowers as she walked down the aisle, which was covered in white rose petals, to John Lennon's song 'Imagine'.

The couple exchanged traditional vows under a wrought-iron gazebo in the garden of Bugliari's family home in New Jersey on Saturday

Dinner was served in a nearby tent containing rustic farmhouse tables, wooden floors and iron chandeliers.

Before the ceremony, Alyssa, 36, said: "We wanted a wedding that was reflective of who we are as a couple. My Italian family still eats Sunday dinner together every week. We wanted to capture the same feeling with people passing around beautiful bowls of food and talking and laughing."

Nooooooooo ... I am sorry folks, but I can't stop crying ...

Is Christina Aguilera a Bitch? Who cares?!

2009-08-13T09:44:00.003-04:00

Celebrated British photographer Rankin has blasted Christina Aguilera as the "diva from hell", vowing never to work with the "self-obsessed" singer again.

He tells Britain's Closer magazine, "Christina was a diva from hell and pure torture to be around. She's so self-obsessed.

"She insisted that her chauffeur drive her indoors into the studio so she wasn't papped (snapped by the paparazzi) - even though there was nobody outside. Then, she crashed my after party and her bodyguard stood outside the bathroom shouting, 'Nobody but Christina uses this toilet.' She's a joke." - SUN media

You know what, if I had all those millions of dollars and boobs like Christina Aguilera I would be a total bitch too. But at the end of the day, I have never heard of this Rankin guy but my bedroom is wallpapered with Christina Aguilera pictures. Plus, after I've used a toilet, you would probably want someone standing outside the door warning you not to go in ...

Miss Universe 2009 - the Bikini Round!

2009-08-12T09:42:00.000-04:00

Considering this is the Miss Universe competition, I can't help but notice the complete lack of non-human females invited to the competition. And thank god - you don't want to see a 6-leged 9-assed 400 pound blargon in a bikini, trust me, I've been there ... or maybe I was just drunk and she was a mailbox? I don't really know, and those police records are sealed.

I have always been a little suspicious of these judged events. Thankfully this year the bikinis were standardized for all contestants for objectiveness. However, I would like to talk to the person that decided they should be standardized to a floral print with full butt coverage type of bikini (like my grandma would wear!) instead of a sequined silver micro-thong (like my great-grandma would wear!).

Miss Universe 2009 - National Costume competition

2009-08-12T09:30:00.001-04:00

It's that time of year again. When competitors from around the world, possibly even around the Universe, gather together to decide which alien is the hottest female around. This year, just as in years past, all the competitors were from earth.

This year, the Miss Universe 2009 competition in being held in Nassau, Bahamas. Contestants from 84 countries will compete for the coveted crown on August 23. That's right, over 3 weeks of tough competition for these ladies - including the swimsuit round, the "National Costume" round, and the grueling "Stand Still and Smile" round. I sure hope we can avoid the 4 foot-blister tragedy of last years competition!!!

Guns and Ninjas and Sienna Miller (Oh My!)

2009-08-11T08:40:00.002-04:00

Finally, a movie based on a comic book or cartoon. Wait ... Batman, Superman, Transformers, Dragonball. Well, even if Hollywood can't come up with original ideas to make moveis from (Harry Potter, Narnia) at least Hollywood can blow stuff up and have hot chicks running around with hardly any clothes on. I mean I could probably do that at home too, but I'd probably get arrested (for both).

Anyways, the last time I saw the word Sienna was in a box of Crayola Crayons. But Sienna Miller has got to be the hottest colour around this summer. Usually I stay away from movies based on dolls (with the obvious exception of "The Care Bears Movie") but G.I.Joe is full of guns and bombs and ninjas and hot chicks in leather - I might consider moving into the movie theater - plus it has air conditioning!!

Heidi Montag is a Tock Cease!

2009-08-11T08:20:00.001-04:00

Now I am probably the last person in the world who is interested in furthering Heidi Montag's career, but her latest project, the Playboy spread, feels to me like a bit of a kick in the sub-cockal area. I mean the reports have it that she isn't even nude, just covered in dirt and muck.

The only way this could possibly be good news is if Playboy releases the Heidi Montag pictorial video, and it turns out that the "mud" is actually monkey feces thrown at her by real live monkeys. Wait ... do monkeys actually fling poo or is that some sort of TV rumour that I have absorbed into my Television and Twinkie rotted brain? Youtube will have the answers ... and the latest Heidi Montag song!

Jennifer Aniston hates the Paparazzi

2009-08-10T12:57:00.002-04:00

The former 'Friends' star is baffled by why people are so interested in her personal life and finds the constant glare of the spotlight draining. "It's just so weird, even my dog Norman gets recognized. But I will never stop doing my job because of these paparazzi as then I'd be giving them the power by letting them win. But it has been horrendous at times. I have had to simply move through it and try to think positive. I have a very small group of friends. Usually I will talk with one or two of them and get advice and then I get the data and figure out what I am going to do." - BANG Media

I on the other hand would like to thank the paparazzi for their untiring work in delivering too us Jenifer Aniston photos like these. Let's face it, this is the nakedest I am going to see Jennifer Aniston witout dating her ... and she never returns my calls ...

Aliens Prequel a go? A Sigourney Weaver comeback?

2009-08-10T10:17:00.003-04:00

Variety reports Ridley Scott has signed on with Twentieth Century Fox to direct a prequel to "Alien," the 1979 film that starred Sigourney Weaver.

Why is this good news? Well, I like movies that star Aliens. And I like movies that star Sigourney Weaver. Throw in Megan Fox and some lingerie wrestling in a kiddie pool full of Taco Meat and I will be the first one in line for tickets ... and by that I mean mail order it on Blu-ray because I am too fat and lazy to actually go out in public.

Megan Fox is “currently what you would call single”

2009-06-16T08:44:00.000-04:00

Brian and I are not engaged because when you’re engaged, your goal is marriage. I don’t think that’s a realistic goal for me right now … I know I’m not capable, at this point, of being a good partner or a good wife. That’s, like, a joke. We’re sort of trying to figure out what our relationship is. – Megan Fox, UK Sun

Bravo Hollywood, Bravo. In a brilliant marketing move, Megan Fox has declared herself single just in time for the premiere of her new movie “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”. Is it not enough that this movie is going to rape my eyes, now it has to kick me in the genitals too?

Shania Twain is single and nobody told me!

2009-06-15T09:50:00.002-04:00

The personal issues that took place just over a year ago have been well documented, and there's no need to go into more detail here. Since then, I've been inspired by my pain to write and use writing as a therapy through the suffering.

I truly wouldn't wish this on anybody as a means to get inspired, but it's been a productive period with so much emotion trying to find its way out.

As many things as there have been to write about through this difficult time in my life, healing is serious business and has taken a lot of the wind out of my sails, slowing me down at times.

I've jumped out of an airplane at 10,000 feet, I'm riding Spanish and Arabian horses, travelling to exotic places, I've been deep sea diving for the first time!

I pull the odd all-nighter, read more books, listen to Eja's favourite music with him, LOUD and basically I'm enjoying life. – Shania Twain on her marriage breaking up

Shania Twain is like a less blond, less hot, more Canadian version of Jessica Biel, only she probably smells more like cheese and has less Justin Timberlake stains on her. Even still, I would eat a poutine off her stomach.

Even though her marriage might be over, at least she has that pair of nice trophies to remind her what her talents are … she also has a couple of nice looking awards!

Megan Fox gets her bikini on for GQ

2009-06-12T08:42:00.003-04:00

I am not sure what bothers me more: Megan Fox puts on a bunch of bathing suits for a pictorial in a magazine aimed at gay men or that Megan Fox is prostituting herself to sell tickets to the new Transformers movie or that the swimsuits that she is wearing remind me of my mother back int he 60's?

It just goes to show you what happens when you leave a movie in the hands of Micheal Bay. Actually, he probably isn't the one responsible for this pictorial, but still I can't help but think that the Transformers movie is going to be 2 hours of things blowing up and then you leave going "What the hell just happened?" ... wait, my point was that these bathing suit pictures of Megan Fox aren't going to make me think about the Transformers movie. I guess I was wrong ... Well Played!

Heather Graham is a little chilly

2009-06-12T08:21:00.003-04:00

I can't remember the last time I actually saw Heather Graham in a feature film, but I think it was probably a late night re-run of Bowfinger a few months ago. Now I am not saying that Heather Graham isn't a movie star, I'm just saying that she hasn't starred in many movies lately.

From the looks of these pictures, Heather Graham's nipples could probably carry a movie all by themselves. You know the old story - a meteor falls to earth near some farm in remote Alabama where Heather Graham is busy tending to her llama herd, but the radioactivity causes her nipples to take on a life of their own and they start to terrorize New York City looking for the lost galaxy on Orion's Belt, and it all ends in a climactic scene where Heather Graham's nipples take on a squadron of F18 fighters on top of the Empire State Building. Wait, this all sounds a little familiar ...

Finally a Heidi Montag project I can get behind

2009-06-11T20:45:00.003-04:00

So Heidi Montag has decided to do Playboy. Probably the September issue. Finally ... after disaterous music and a fake reality show, here is a Heidi Montag project that I plan to stand up and salute. And by that I mean I might get an erection.

Chance are there is something disaterously wrong with her breast, or she has a giant dimpled and scarred butt. I mean, could it really be this easy? Finally Heidi Montag is going to be still and not talking or singing? That's it, I hear the rapture ...

The Moon is out in Full - Moon Bloodgood that is!

2009-05-22T09:50:00.000-04:00

I like this woman already!

LOS ANGELES -- Look for more -- a lot more -- of Moon Bloodgood on the Terminator Salvation DVD.

The gorgeous model and actress, who co-stars as a resistance fighter in the science-fiction sequel, filmed a nude scene opposite Sam Worthington that was cut from the theatrical release.

"There was a topless scene with Moon that was designed to echo the Kelly McGillis and Harrison Ford scene in Witness," explains director McG. "It was very innocent. They were 30 metres away from each other."

So why isn't it playing on the big screen? It's been suggested the studio decided against including it because it was seeking a more commercially-friendly PG-13 rating in the U.S. (all previous three Terminators were rated R). McG, though, insists that's not the case.

"At the end of the day, we all looked at it and felt, 'Oh, that feels gratuitous, and feels like we're placating the genre, and it may give people a platform to stand on, to take the film less seriously and we don't want that.' Nobody pressured me to make that decision."

Instead, her revealing moment will likely turn up on the DVD later this year.

"I suspect it will be on the DVD," he says, "because Moon has a very sophisticated, third-wave feminist take on why she made that choice."

Moon Bloodgood - What's in a name?

2009-05-21T10:26:00.001-04:00

Now normally I would steer 100 feet clear of any chick named Moon Bloodgood. I know that Shakespeare once said "What's in a name?" but to me anyone with a name like Moon Bloodgood is one puff on the reefer away from hairy feet, dirty hair and a body-covering hippie poncho. Now I am not trying to say that she is a tree-hugging hippie freak, I am just saying that I would bring a pair of hedge clippers if I went on a date with her ... just in case.

I can't claim to be all that familiar with her body of work before 'Terminator Salvation - the search for more merchandising opportunities' - then again roles such as "Hot Woman Number 2" in "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" usually fly well below my finely tuned radar. Maybe her Terminator Salvation role will make her the next big thing? Who knows? All I can think about right now is a big wad of cheesy chilli fries.

Kim Kardashian gets vandalised - and not in the good way!

2009-05-20T08:47:00.001-04:00

Police say a South Beach store owned by reality TV star Kim Kardashian and her sisters has been vandalized.

Miami Beach Police spokeswoman Deborah Doty said Tuesday that a section of the front window of the store, Dash Miami, was scratched and the letters "GUK" were painted in black on the window frame.

On her website Kourtney Kardashian said that a store employee discovered the vandalism.

She said the graffiti wasn't targeting her or her sisters Kim and Khloe.

The store has yet to open, but it will be featured in a new reality show. - By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Being that this is a hard hitting journalism site, I want to dive right into the heart of this matter. Despite the focus of this story being about vandalism, the real news nugget is that Kim Kardashian and her sisters are going to get another reality show. Hasn't the world seen enough of these people? Are we that voyeuristic a society that we need to peak into every nook and cranny of someone elses life?

Of course, the answer is yes. In fact, peering into the nooks and crannies of Kim Kardashian is almost a fetish of mine. If I could I would shine a spotlight on every aspect of her personality and probe deeply into the nether recesses of her being. And by that I mean I would like to put my penis in her vagina.

Lindsay Lohan in NOT a Drunk

2009-05-19T19:32:00.000-04:00

Lindsay Lohan was interrogated by immigration officials in Canada, who considered banning her from the country because of her drunk driving convictions.

The actress landed at Montreal Airport on Saturday for a scheduled nightclub appearance, but was hauled into a backroom by border staff after her 2007 arrests for driving under the influence appeared on a computer database.

A source tells Us Weekly magazine, "Because of her DUIs they didn't want to let her into the country at first. The customs people gave her a real hard time."

Lohan was finally allowed into the country after a one-hour interrogation.

Looks like those cheese-eating igloo dwellers are at it again. We all know Lindsay Lohan likes to have a little touch of the sauce from time to time, but how dare these Canadians prohibit a celebrity of this magnitude from entering their country!

From what I know (I admit I didn't pay much attention in Geography class) in Canada the rivers flow with Molson beer, kitchen taps in Quebec run "Hot" "cold" and "Red wine" and the national flower of British Columbia is the marijuana leaf! Instead of keep Lindsay Lohan out of Canada they should be paying her to do their tourism promotion!

Paris Hilton is no Princess Diana - dare to compare!

2009-05-19T12:52:00.002-04:00

When I heard about it I thought: 'Yeah right. It's going to be a look-a-like. It's going to be a joke.' But a couple of hours later it was all over online and then I saw it.

It's the most intimate thing you can do and the whole f**king world is watching it and laughing at you.

That's not what I wanted when I was a little girl. It's not what I planned. I always looked up to people like Princess Diana and now I can never be like that. - Paris Hilton about her sex tape, from "Paris, Not France" (documentary)

I feel bad for Paris Hilton now that she can never be like Princess Diana. And of course, the surest way to move beyond your past transgressions is to remind everyone to buy your sex tape - or at least look for it on the internet - at every possible opportunity.

Of course the sex tape is only one of the differences between Paris Hilton and Princess Diana. I think she forgot about the nude photos, the excessive drinking, the childish feuds with other celebritettes in the media, her herpies, her moronic TV shows, absolute lack of notable charity work, lack of class or character ... but then again, I do like the way she is holding her big fluffy white pussy ...

Megan Fox and Scarlett Johansson Cat Fight!

2009-05-07T19:38:00.004-04:00

I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson - who I have nothing against. But I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned, to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard. - Megan Fox, American Esquire

First off, I don't want to put the stop to the good catfight that seems to be brewing here. If there is one thing I can get on-board it's a big boat. No wait, I mean a good catfight. See, the idea of these 2 women tearing at each other, possibly ripping each others silk blouses and then, accidentaly, thier mouths brushing together ... sorry, I think I blacked out there for a second from lack of blood to the brain.

Anyhow, I have a message for both Megan Fox and Scarlett Johansson - nobody takes your intelligence seriously, and no one cares about the size of your brains. Stop trying to prove you are smart and stop worrying about it. All we want to see is your boobs. Seriously, if you are so worried about me knowing your IQ, have it printed on a white t-shirt and then dump a pitcher of water on it. That I will remember forever ...

Jessica Biel is so hot

2009-05-07T19:35:00.003-04:00

Britney Spears is a HUGE hypocrite

2009-05-07T07:29:00.001-04:00

A source told Britain's The Sun newspaper: Since her Vancouver show, where she ran off stage as it was too smoky, she's become paranoid about breathing in too much bad air. She's keen on an oxygen chamber that will reverse any smoke inhalation damage.

Fans at the 27-year-old's Canadian concert in her 'The Circus starring Britney Spears' tour were told the show was stopped because of people smoking cigarettes and marijuana in the arena, making it "unsafe" for Britney and her performers.

Britney later returned to the stage to continue the show, and at the end of her set she told the audience: "Thanks Vancouver. You were wonderful. Drive safe. Don't smoke weed!" - BANG Media International

I hate to break it to Britney Spears, but the only way she is going to continue to fill concert halls is if she forces people to smoke weed. No one is going to sleep with ... I mean, see a Britney Spears concert with a clear head. And didn't she used to walk around Hollywood with a smoke dangling from her lips? I don't want to call her a hypocrite, but she might as well tell people not to eat fast food, get breast implants and marry retards too ...

I am aware this could be some sort of publicity stunt like the Micheal Jackson sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber thing back in the 80s. Personally I think she should just do like Mike and diddle someone. I will even volunteer my Johnson for the diddling. Ok, I am not underage or poor or nothing, but I could use a good diddling!

I'll be ... wait .. what?

2009-05-07T06:08:00.003-04:00

I think it's not time for that, but I think it's time for debate. All those ideas of creating extra revenues, I'm always for an open debate on it. We ought to study very carefully what other countries are doing that have legalized marijuana. What effect did it have on those countries? Are they happy with the decision? Or are they, for instance in Austria, unhappy? They rolled back some of the decisions that were made in European countries.

I want to look at all that. It could very well be that everyone is happy with the decision and then we can look at that. If not, then we shouldn't do it. Just because of raising revenues, we have to be careful not to make mistakes at the same time.

Arnold Schwarzenegger on legalizing weed
NBC Los Angeles

Everyone knows that sending something like this for study is just a way to move it out off the agenda so he never has to make a decision on it. I am not saying this is a bad idea politically, especially for Arnold Schwarzenegger who has smoked weed on video. I don't want to be around if California starts debating the effect of steroids on your johnson!

.. and thanks to the Angry Dwarf for the headline!

Bai Ling gets razzed by Canadian Fashion "journalists"!

2009-05-06T11:21:00.004-04:00

Steph: If the charity event has the word “Kids” in the title, I sort of feel like an itty bitty denim miniskirt paired with a bikini top and bedazzled stilettos is not really the most appropriate costume choice. At the Rally for Kids with Cancer benefit, Bai Ling manages to achieve what many other women have sadly attempted, only to fail: enter her closet and emerge wearing something with absolutely zero class or taste. The cut-off skirt is ONLY okay at the beach. Ditto for the bathing suit top. One should never combine either of those wardrobe elements with bling-heavy heels unless one is perhaps a streetwalker by trade. Even then, I sort of think that the other ladies of the night might tell her: “Oh come on Bai Ling, cover up, you’re embarrassing us.”
Her Verdict: Style Loser

Christopher: It’s kinda hard to rag on someone when they are doing good, but this is a real loser of an outfit. While this is not Bai Ling at her worst (which is kinda like Bai Ling at her best) I do have to agree with you here, Steph. This is a benefit for kids with cancer and her barely-there ensemble is probably better suited for a Maxim event…somewhere where less is definitely best.
His Verdict: Style Loser

Stephanie McGrath and Christopher Turner - fashionism.ca

OUCH! You know you suck when you are getting flamed by a couple of metrosexual cheese-eating igloo dwellers (Canadians)! I don't even have to add to this one ... but I will. Not only is this woman a fashion disaster (not that I am qualified to judge), she also needs to be shut up with a leather glove full of wet cement. I saw her last week in that "Crank 2" movie and all I could think of was "She better be dead by the end of this" ... but she wasn't! No way I am seeing Crank 3 ...

Paula Abdul is on drugs? No way!

2009-05-06T10:19:00.005-04:00

So Paula Abdul has finally come out and admitted that she is addicted to smack. Ok, not smack just pain killers. Pain killers stuffed full of smack. Personally I find this kind of thing insulting. I know that her audience is mainly 13 year old girls looking to spend their babysitting income on the next Kelly Clarkson / Rubben Studdard straight to DVD concert video, but anyone who wasn’t aware that Paula Abdul was on something has clearly had their head up their ass.

What? You thought I was gone? Nope, someone stole my domain and then posted all my old articles without my consent. Well screw them! I am back baby!!!

Halle Berry continues to be the greatest woman alive ...

2008-10-28T07:53:00.002-04:00

"You know that stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own orgasms? That's all true, and, in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty damn good orgasms. They're much better orgasms than when I was 22, and I wouldn't let a man control that. Not anymore. Now, I'd invite them to participate. I've learned my tricks. I know what I like. I do not wait around. I initiate." - HalleBerry, Esquire magazine

Be sure to check out my upcoming book "Halle Berry: the greatest woman that ever lived".

Jenny McCarthy is crazy hot ... or is that crazy and hot?

2008-10-23T09:01:00.000-04:00

Here is a list of things I know about Jenny McCarthy:
1. She dates Jim Carrey;
2. She isn’t too picky about sex with men or women;
3. She thinks that vaccinations can cause autism;
4. She is hot; and
5. I have lots of pictures of her naked.

Jenny McCarthy is just living proof that hot people can get away with a lot more crap than the rest of us. Well, not me since I am hotter than Jenny McCarthy and the sun put together and all wrapped up in a Twinkie. It’s a burden, I know, but you just have to try to get by, one day at a time.

Jessica Simpson carries her own weight (in her big ol' rack)!

2008-10-23T07:02:00.000-04:00

Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend Tony Romo – Quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys – was unable to play in Sunday’s game because of a bruised pinkie finger. Now, you may wonder how that is relevant to this blog? Well, it’s because Jessica Simpson doesn’t quit. I mean look at her new country music! Sure it sucks. Sure, no one likes it. But she is out there, day after day, putting on shows.

This probably would have been a more appropriate post like 3 or 4 days ago, but I have been busy trying to clean out my liquor cabinet (with my mouth) before the annual visit of the celestial being Shith-nu at the height of the harvest moon – either that or I had another one of those hallucinations from the tequila and Pledge shots I have been drinking ...

Christina Aguilera is not happy - but I am!

2008-10-21T15:05:00.000-04:00

Speaking of marriages, it looks to me like Christina Aguilera might not be so happy with her husband these days. Either that, or someone just fed her a huge crap sandwich – no, it’s probably the dude.

I have to say I kind of like the guy. I mean sure he took the dirtiest girl off the market and then knocked her up, but damn, look at what it did for those titties. Now I am not saying that Christina Aguilera has big boobs, I’m just saying that her boobs are huge.

Madonna is Single - I got this one ...

2008-10-21T10:03:00.000-04:00

I hate to say that I called it (like 6 months ago) but Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced. Maybe it’s because of A-Rod, or maybe 9 years of pretending not to be a sex maniac was enough for Madonna. Well, either way, all that is left is to figure out how to split up their half-a-billion-dollar fortune, and decide who gets to keep the penis.

Now I don’t want to seem like the kind of guy who can be bought, but I would marry Madonna for a few million. Who am I kidding, I would probably marry her for a smack on the ass and a milkshake.

Ursula Andress! No, that's "Foreign Flicks" ...

2008-10-15T08:34:00.003-04:00

Ursula Andress was astonished when she was diagnosed with osteoporosis - because she didn't think a Bond girl should get the disease. The 72-year-old actress - who played Honey Ryder in 'Dr. No' - has spoken of her worry at being told she had the 'brittle bone' condition, and surprisingly her first concern was that she would not be able to tend to her lawn.

Ursula Andress said: "I thought, 'My God, what am I going to do?' I was sure osteoporosis wasn't for me, a former James Bond girl who travelled, swam, walked miles every day and who had a beautiful garden to keep up." – BANG media

Daisy de la Hoya gets her own TV show?

2008-10-14T13:38:00.003-04:00

This is totally it, the sign that we are approaching the end of the world (or at least the end of original ideas for TV shows) – "Rock of Love" reject Daisy De La Hoya is getting her own reality show on VH1 called "Daisy of Love". Casting calls are underway right now at Daisyoflovecasting.com. So if you think it would be fun to spend a few weeks in a drunken contest to bang a quasi-celebrity/stripper, then sign up early and often.

There is a chance that maybe they are not close, but I want to know where Oscar de la Hoya is in all this. Actually, that could make am interesting twist to the show – right before the big final date, Oscar comes out and pounds the dude into the ground for talking smack about his cousin Daisy de la Hoya! Now that is some good down-home type TV fun, y’all!

Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown shows off her Talents!

2008-10-10T08:40:00.005-04:00

Here is your Friday puzzle: How does a mostly unemployed former Spice Girl land herself a comedian in the twilight of his career? Easy, wedge your ample proportions into some under-sized lacy garments. Well, at least that is my theory on how Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown ended up having Eddie Murphy’s baby.

Melanie Brown is really a dichotomy of a woman. One the one hand she has a smoking hot surgically enhanced body. One the other hand, Scary Spice looks like the kind of woman that would punish your genitals if you didn’t “perform” up to her standards. Given, considering her history, I don’t think her standards are that high, but my penis and I prefer the safety of enjoying Melanie Brown from the anonymous chair in front of my computer screen.

Lindsay Lohan - "No Mariah my boobs are bigger!"

2008-10-09T09:48:00.001-04:00

It must be Thursday, because the guns are out in full force. I am not talking Afghanistan, I mean Lindsay Lohan. This whole look just screams 70’s - the Farah Fawcett throwback hair, and boobs that look like an Apollo booster rocket.

Lindsay Lohan, your boobs are cleared for take off. Houston, please prepare to jettison your payload.

One small step for man, 2 giant breasts for mankind.

Mariah Carey has Gi-normous Sweater Puppies

2008-10-09T09:22:00.002-04:00

Mariah Carey threw a party for her husband, Nick Cannon, on Tuesday. I am guessing it was a pretty awesome shin-dig since she didn’t show up until about 1am, and then her husband had to DJ his own gig. I would have gone, but I guess my invitation got lost in the mail.

So the headliner at this party? Mariah Carey’s breasts! Now I am not saying that Mariah Carey has some tig ol’biddies, but those things just got a US Government Five Star crash test rating in both front and side impacts (remember, rear-facing boosters should always go in the back seat).

Holly Madison is single (and so am I ... hint hint)!

2008-10-08T09:47:00.003-04:00

Holly Madison has confirmed she has split from magazine mogul Hugh Hefner. The blonde beauty - who lives with the Playboy founder in his Los Angeles mansion - has finally revealed she is no longer romancing the 82-year-old magazine mogul.

She added: "We are all still filming stuff together. We're having fun. The sixth season ('The Girls Next Door') is going to be even better. We love season five, but I think every season gets better." - (C) BANG Media International

Being the humanitarian that I am, I would like to extend to Holly Madison an offer of comfort in my arms. That’s right Holly Madison, if you need a shoulder to cry on, it’s right here. I may not be as rich as Hugh Heffner, but I have less wrinkles. Now, I am not saying that you only dated Hef for his money, I’m just saying you can prove that to the world by spending some time with this penny-less slob in his cardboard box – you might also be able to write it off on your taxes as “Charity Work”!

Halle Berry is the sexiest woman alive

2008-10-08T08:35:00.004-04:00

I am sure this isn’t news to anyone - Halle Berry was named by Esquire Magazine as the sexiest woman alive. Personally, I can’t claim to have ever seen a Halle Berry movie, but I do have a large “highlight” reel (thank you YouTube!) of her hottest and most nude moments captured on film, and from what I have seen she deserves the title and its accompanying prize: Big Mac’s for 2 with the Drunk Donkey!

Of course, I have known that Halle Berry is the sexiest woman alive for years, but I am not the editor of a magazine for gay men. Now, I am not saying that Esquire is exclusively a magazine for gay men, just that caring that much about your clothes, hair-style and watches might mean you are homosexual. Unless Esquire magazine is actually about motorbikes and cheats for Paper Mario 6 in which case I retract that statement.

Jennifer Aniston in a Bikini

2008-10-03T08:55:00.002-04:00

That last bikini post left a little bit of a bad taste in my mouth, and I didn’t think it was a good way to kick off a weekend. So to make up for it, here are a few pictures of Jennifer Aniston in a bikini. Now there is something that can leave a bad taste in my mouth! BAM!

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson - the Bikini Pictorial

2008-10-03T08:27:00.003-04:00

Ok, by now we all know that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson (who I also affectionately refer to as “da man”) are involved in a lesbian affair. Or maybe they are just experimenting with stuff that they should have in college? Or maybe this is just the proper rebound course after you date Wilmer Valderrama? Really I don’t know. All I know is I would rather see Lindsay Lohan in a bikini than some other celebrity lesbians like, for example, Ellen DeGeneres.

Maybe this is a brilliant career move by Lindsay Lohan. Just date another chick for a while, then secretly get married to a respectable guy (Lindsay, I would need to check my calendar, but I think I have the next few years open!) and announce to the world that all your drinking and other problems were a result of your confusion over your sexuality. Go on Oprah and everyone will love you again, and the movie offer should start rolling in – hey, it worked for Angelina Jolie!

Scarlett Johansson is married

2008-09-30T10:52:00.003-04:00

Ryan Reynolds, who was once engaged to fellow Canadian Alanis Morrisette, is officially off the market. His reps have confirmed the rumors. He has tied the knot with his current girlfriend and actress Scarlett Johansson.

After a brief, four month engagement, the duo, who have carried on a private relationship much out of the view of the paparazzi, had a quiet wedding outside of Ryan's hometown in Vancouver, British Columbia.

The ceremony was reported to be small and quaint with only their closest friends and family in attendance. Like a movie, the backdrop for the ceremony was on wilderness preserve.

This is the first marriage for both Reynolds, 31 and Johansson, 23. The couple have been vigilant about keeping their relationship private and out of the prying eyes of the media. Even their wedding, after such a short engagement, was a total surprise and nobody saw it coming. Hopefully their efforts to keep their personal affairs and private lives to themselves will result in another successful Hollywood relationship. – eCanadaNow.com

* Sniff. Tear

Heather Locklear gets caught on smack!

2008-09-30T09:40:00.002-04:00

Even as questions arose Monday about the California Highway Patrol's handling of Heather Locklear's arrest on impaired driving charges, friends and associates of the actress expressed concerns about her psychological well-being and heavy use of anti-anxiety drugs.

According to a Locklear pal, ''Heather takes drugs like Xanax by the carload.'' The friend hopes this most recent incident ''will lead her to get off the pills and really get back on track.''

Now I am not trying to say that Heather Locklear is on smack, I am just saying that Heather Locklear has been arrested on suspicion of being on smack. Now, do I really care? Well, no. Seems to me that a severe smack addiction could lead to some bad career choices and probably some desperation nudity. I mean, look what happened to Farah Fawcett!!

Jessica Alba gets her bikini on - and I feel human again

2008-09-24T08:26:00.002-04:00

Pretty much everyone knows that Jessica Alba recently had a baby. For me personally I lose interest once I know that those boobs are being used for more than motor-boating. The last thing I want to thing about when I am using those sweater puppies like a speed bag is that they are the human equivalent of a Jamba Juice dispenser (I am pretty sure it’s banana kiwi right?). But I suppose either way she just passed Christina Aguilera for the title of World’s Hottest MILF.

Anyhow, here are some candid (read “telephoto from the bushes”) shots of Jessica Alba in a bikini on vacation in Cabo San Lucas. Now, unlike some other celebrity bloggers who just post dozens of photos, I have carefully selected and edited these pictures to maximize Jessica Alba’s exposure, without you having the risk of accidentally having to look at her baby. Hey, it’s what I do! And everything I do, I do it for you (props to Bryan Adams for that zinger of a closer!).

Victoria Beckham buys her clothes from flea markets.

2008-09-23T14:30:00.003-04:00

The former Spice Girl - who is renowned as a style icon - can't resist buying second hand clothes, and admits her own designs are often inspired by her finds. Victoria - who lives in Los Angeles with her soccer star husband David and their three sons - revealed: "I don't really go shopping any more - apart from the flea market I go to every Sunday. You can get some amazing vintage stuff there.

"That's often where I get inspiration for my designs." She added: "I don't really give a shit what people think of me. I'm more grown up now and I've learned not to care so much what people say." - BANG Media International

You know who else really likes 2nd hand clothes? Me. Especially underwear … specifically panties. I know that Victoria Beckham pretty much has more money than Jesus and the Pope combined, but if she ever needed a little bit of spending money I bet she could make a mint selling her used tighty whities. I know you are all thinking that is pretty gross, but I bet I would find you all betting against me on Ebay.

Pam Anderson has run out of men

2008-09-22T08:09:00.001-04:00

Mark this day on your calendar because it finally happened, Pamela Anderson has finally run out of real men to date. I know it’s sad, but it’s true. Pam is now exclusively dating androids. I am not sure exactly when my turn to date Pamela was up, but I guess I missed the call. Oh well, I am sure the battery half life of these robot men is probably 100 years which means that Pamela Anderson should wear them out in about 6 days. Now I am not saying that sex with Pam Anderson will kill you, but have you seen Tommy Lee and Kid Rock lately?

More importantly, I hope that these romantically inclined androids will soon be available for commercial sale. I could sure use a robo-wife. I know I could probably get a human wife, but the last women I dated died of romantic asphyxiation when I had a minor heart attack on top of her after sex. Well after what I call sex - which mostly means eating a plate of chocolate nachos while watching “Dancing with the Stars”.

Kim Kardashian wears Space Pants!

2008-09-19T08:16:00.000-04:00

You know I can’t resist blogging Kim Kardashian. There is just something about her that screams “Post my pics on your blog and make comments about my ass”. Well actually that is pretty much my life philosophy, and is in no way limited to Kim Kardashian. Actually I would put a lot more random pics on here except that the gym revoked my membership after they found a camera hidden underneath my 10-gallon hat. I mean come on, am I the only guy that works out in an oversized novelty cowboy hat?

At least Kim Kardashian isn’t too shy about showing off her lovely jawbreaker of an ass. I mean that thing is good. It looks like 2 hams wrapped in a blanket. And for the piece de resistance – yoga pants. Or as I like to call them, space pants. Why? Because is makes that ass look out of this world!

Mariah Carey gets all up on the Bible

2008-09-19T08:05:00.002-04:00

Mariah Carey says the only book she has ever read is the Bible.

The 'Touch My Body' singer - who married singer Nick Cannon earlier this year - admits she rarely has time to sit down and read, but always ensures she has time to read the holy book. She said: "The only book I make time to read is the Bible."

It was recently revealed Mariah is trying to stop a tell-all book about her from being published.

The singer is said to be so concerned by revelations set to appear in a new tome written by her former record producer Damion 'Damizza' Young she is desperate to prevent it going to print. Damion has announced he intends to reveal his "intense four-year personal relationship" with the star in 'Guilty by Association'. - BANG Media International

I wonder if Mariah Carey is trying to block this book because it reveals in precise detail how many of the 10 Commandments she has broken? Let's not forget that she did marry her record producer - and I am sure it wasn't all out of love. Now, I am not saying that Mariah Carey is a whore; I am just saying that it is possible that she might sleep with people to further her career and she is not afraid of flaunting her body in videos to sell records.

Lindsay Lohan plus Victoria Beckham = explod-o-penis!

2008-09-18T09:12:00.003-04:00

The 'Mean Girls' actress admits she has started lusting after the former Spice Girl since she had her hair cut short, because Victoria now looks like Lindsay's lesbian lover Samantha Ronson (who recently suggested the couple were set to get married).

Speaking at the premiere of the new season of 'Ugly Betty', in New York, Lindsay said: "I love her hair. She looks really hot at the moment. It reminds me of Sam." - BANG Media International

Now that is a lesbian love affair I can get on board with. I mean Lindsay Lohan and that “Sam” chick just feels like a cheap publicity stunt right out of Dennis Rodman’s book, designed to bring attention back to Lindsay Lohan after a couple of years of nothing but drunkenness and car accidents. But hooking up with female Skelator Victoria Beckham is the kind of thing that great dreams (and bad porno) are made of!

Kate Hudson is hammered … and I am impressed!

2008-09-18T08:29:00.002-04:00

Personally I am not that happy that summer is over. Having to cover up my gorgeous legs with long pants seems to me like a crime against ladies in general, but short pants begin to feel a bit drafty in 2 feet of snow! But, on the bright side, with summer ending that means that drunken season begins in Hollywood!

And who is first up to the plate? Kate Hudson. Maybe she is still reeling from her break-up with Lance Armstrong, or possibly even Owen Wilson. Maybe she is realizing that she won’t ever be as hot as her own mom? Or maybe Kate Hudson is just a really cool chick who likes to hit the clubs and tie one on? Who am I to judge? “I’m sorry Ossifer. I didn’t think I was too drive to drunk.”

Kim Kardashian flashes her Pink Parrot

2008-09-15T12:55:00.001-04:00

You know, I look at these pictures for a long time, and I decided to avoid the obvious euphemisms about Kim Kardashian flashing her pink parrot, or being out on the town with her parrot hanging out. And since everyone and their blog ALWAYS write about the size of her ass, or her appearance on “Dancing with the Stars” I really had no idea where to take this post.

So instead, I ask you, my loyal readers to dig deep and help Save the Orphans.

Jessica Simpson looks hotter than last time!

2008-09-12T10:51:00.002-04:00

You can't spell redemption without "dem" - as in, "Damn, look at dem titties!" And when it comes to Jessica Simpson that is pretty much all I am doing ... well, unless she is in a Dukes of Hazard style bikini and walking away from me. But then I have to look at her ... well, you get the picture! Either way, she has redeemed herself from her last set of photos I posted.

You know, I really like this dress. Pink based animal print is the new Neon. Especially when you are trying to conquer the country music scene, I guess it is best to look like you pulled your clothes off the Blue light special rack at K-Mart. I think Jessica Simpson is slowly turning into Peg Bundy. Next comes the bee-hive hairdo. Then she can start begging me for sex only to get a stern Al Bundy-esque "Uh, no Jess" (except I actually mean totally yes Jessica!).

Christina Aguilera and the Drew Carey dancers

2008-09-09T08:16:00.002-04:00

I know I am a few days late for commenting on the MTV Video Music Awards, but I didn’t watch it and it took a lot of coffee and Tylenol PM for me to even get into the right state of mind to research it, or care. But, since I am in the right state of mind now, here is the MILF-a-licious Christina Aguilera’s performance.

I don’t have much bad to say about Christina Aguilera because basically I could watch her bounce and wiggle all day long (and I have!). This performance was especially sweet because she dressed up in the way I would imagine Catwoman would if she got addicted to smack and started hooking. Also, it is pretty nice to see that Drew Carey can still get work … I just didn’t know there were 6 of him!

Christina Ricci in a bikini. My work here is done.

2008-09-04T13:21:00.001-04:00

Well, this officially completes my catalogue of “stars I had a crush on when I was a kid” wearing bikinis. Maybe it was a sad and pathetic youth, but ever since The Adams Family I have always wanted to see Christina Ricci in some state of undress. Sure, I could go out and rent Black Snake Moan, but then I would have to watch what looks like a horrible movie, AND it would also be about the millionth thing this year I have seen with Samuel L. Jackson in it.

Is it just me or is Samuel L. Jackson in just about every movie these days. Not that he is a particularly bad actor, but if I want to see some guy acting crazy and swearing all the time I could just go and watch Hobo Bill who lives in the alley next to the Laundromat. Also, that wouldn’t cost me $9.50 at the Cineplex. Wait, how did a post about Christina Ricci in a bikini become a rant about the homeless? Damn you Cheezits and your brain rotting (but oh so delicious) tertiary butylhydroquinone.

Britney Spears looks almost respectable

2008-09-04T13:10:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of magicians in Vegas. The last few days of Britney Spears spottings only proves it. I mean first she looks pretty freaking hot in a bikini, and now she looks passingly respectable and possibly also sane! At first I thought it was some sort of optical illusion, but I swear I have gone over these pictures with a magnifying glass and I don’t see David Copperfield anywhere.

Don’t get me wrong, I am completely at peace with the idea of a hot and sane Britney. I mean it’s not like I will go out and buy her albums or listen to her music, but I might sit around watching MTV with the sound off wearing my boxer shorts with some saran-wrap and a bottle of cheez-whiz just like I did in the summer of 1998. You know what I am talking about. Yeah baby, hit me one more time.

Pamela Anderson and Michael Jackson could have babies

2008-09-04T13:09:00.003-04:00

They were very chatty. Pamela was being her usual flirty self and Michael seemed to be responding. They are such a strange couple but they seemed to really hit it off." So much so Michael plucked up the courage to ask Pammy out on a second date. And she was more than happy to accept. We're told: "They went for a coffee at Country Mart in Malibu and looked very comfortable with each other. They chatted about Michael turning 50, his new album, their kids. And he seemed genuinely interested in Pamela."

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think that Pamela Anderson and Michael Jackson make a bad couple. I mean, the key to any good relationship is common interests, and let’s face it - these 2 are the most plastic surgery altered people walking the face of the planet. The only question that I ask myself is whether or not one of these 2 might have some sort of ulterior motive. Now, I can't imagine it would be exposure since I am sure both Michael Jackson and Pamela Anderson get a lot of attention wherever they go. Now, of course Pamela Anderson has 2 young boys ... what? Too soon?

Christina Aguilera continues to be MILF-a-licious

2008-09-03T10:15:00.003-04:00

I think every Hollywood celebrity mom needs to take a good look at these pictures. Christina Aguilera has mommy-hood down pat – namely; don’t take your kid anywhere and make sure your boobs and ass are popping out of your dress. Nothing says “wholesome family values” like gratuitous T and A!

You know, that might sound like a complaint, but really it isn’t. I wish more mommies would reclaim their right spot as sex symbols. Well, maybe just the hot ones. The rest of you should continue the very important job of instilling morals in your children and raise the world’s future generation. Children are the future after all. Of course, boobs are the here and now ...

Jessica Simpson to appear on Jackass?

2008-09-03T10:04:00.003-04:00

I do pass gas a lot; I guarantee it smells like roses. – Jessica Simpson

I think with comments like that and the quality of Jessica Simpson’s country music it is time for a new career as the first chick on the Jackass show. I mean come on, how can you screw up “9 to 5”? I have seen drunken bar midgets nail that one in Karaoke.

At least if she can’t sing, we know that Jessica Simpson can dress like a 2-toothed inbred country hick, and make faces that would put any 2nd Grader to shame!

Britney Spears versus the Fleshlight

2008-09-03T10:00:00.005-04:00

They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. That might be true for most people, but if you are Britney Spears and you wear a bikini anywhere that is even remotely public, it sure as hell isn’t staying in Vegas. Actually it will probably be repeated thousands of times over on blogs like this, by people like me who make a living off the bikini asses of other people.

Britney Spears is looking pretty good these days. I mean, not good enough for the likes of me, but probably good enough for most of you normal folks. These days there aren’t many women good enough for me. I blame it all on my Fleshlight. Wait, no I don’t. I can’t stay mad at you fleshlight!

Tara Reid knows what it takes to get noticed!

2008-08-29T08:28:00.001-04:00

You can say a lot of things about Tara Reid, but disappearing from the spotlight is not one of them. I mean sure, her legitimate career as an in-demand actress is pretty much over, but things like the Puff Diddy Daddy party boob slip keep the spotlight on her. So what did Tara Reid do most recently for some attention? Well, showing up at the launch of her new clothing line with half her ass hanging out of her skirt seemed to do it.

I hope that Hollywood is taking notice that Tara Reid doesn’t seem to mind flashing a little flesh for the camera and starts writing some good B-movie exploitation parts for her. I know I wouldn’t mind seeing her as a washed up stripper in “Show Girls 2: Fake-Titty Boogaloo” … but then again I ate a lot of crayons as a kid, so maybe my tastes don’t reflect that of someone with a fully-functioning brain …

Nicollette Sheridan, part 2!

2008-08-28T10:23:00.004-04:00

I think this is my first official "follow-up" story here on the Pulp. I really don't have another story about Nicollette Sheridan to share with you, but these pictures had to be posted! So if you want to read the original story about Nicollette Sheridan dumping Michael Bolton, go here (Nicollette Sheridan).

So, name 3 things Michael Bolton will never see again?
1. Singing Fame
2. These 2 eye piercing bad boys!

Overdosin' on Heidi Montag

2008-08-28T10:14:00.002-04:00

It used to be that record company executives would have to give the green light and funding to record albums and make music videos. But now, thanks to voice recording software and the scourge of the internet, YouTube, any no talent hack can slap together some auditory assault and launch it as a music video.

Here is just the latest example from repeat offender Heidi Montag. I will be the first to admit that the girl is kinda nice to look at, but I really don’t want to hear Heidi Montag talk, let alone sing! What happened to the good old days when talent-less women seeking fame would show up in Playboy exposing their real talents? So Hugh Hefner, if you are out there, I pledge to take out a subscription if you get Heidi Montag off YouTube and into your life affirming glassy pages!

Kim Kardashian and her big toe bo-bo!

2008-08-27T10:56:00.002-04:00

Kim Kardashian sliced up her toe on a glass coffee table at a hotel in New York on Sunday. A source told TMZ that there was "so much blood, it looked like a murder scene." Thankfully, Kim Kardashian is now OK, and will be able to compete on this seasons “Dancing with the Stars.” I was just happy to know that even though her toe might be mangled, her ass survived unscathed!

In her honour I wrote the following poem:

Oh no!
She cut her toe.
Now poor Kim
Can’t do the show.
Oh wait,
Yes she can!
She can just stand still
And shake her hams!

Nicollette Sheridan drops Michael Bolton like a bald potato

2008-08-27T10:25:00.002-04:00

Nicole Perna revealed to People magazine: "Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton have amicably ended their engagement. They appreciate your respect for their privacy in this matter." Upon announcing their wedding plans, Nicollette said: "Michael is a wonderful human being. He has brought me a profound love and support. He is an amazing sounding board for me. I am the happiest now I've ever been in my life, feeling more grounded than I ever have. For me there's only been one person, and that's Michael."

If these pictures are any indication of their life together, I can see why Nicollette Sheridan dropped Michael Bolton. Let's get past the fact that Michael is bald (no matter how long you grow it on the top and sides, we still know it's bald on top Michael!), and let's get past the horrible white-man soul albums, the problem is he won't get off his beach chair to play football with her. Maybe it's just me, but I figure no matter how famous you are or think you might be, you ALWAYS get up when a smoking hot chick in a bikini asks you if you want to toss around the ol' pigskin ... and I'm not even using that as a metaphor!

Courteney Cox crashes her bike in Hawaii

2008-08-26T10:37:00.003-04:00

44-year-old Courteney Cox crashed her BMW into a flatbed truck during her annual vacation in Hawaii. The truck was reversing at the time. Nobody was injured or charged. Courteney Cox should stick to the activities she knows best: walking around in a bikini getting photographed by paparazzi so that I have something to post on my blog. I mean, I know it's her vacation, but she should be looking out for me!

Anyway, you don't need a PHD to figure out that a 44 year old should not be riding a BMX. I know Courteney Cox is probably just all swept up in BMX fever from the Olympics, but still, that is barely an excuse. Obviously she isn't so good on a bike, I mean smacking your bike into a slow moving car is just one step above crashing it into the side of a barn.

It's so obvious: Jennifer Love Hewitt wants me!

2008-08-25T13:49:00.002-04:00

Jennifer Love Hewitt has reportedly delayed her wedding. It has been claimed the actress and her fiancé Ross McCall decided to postpone the nuptials following a rocky patch caused by the amount of time they have spent time apart.

A friend of Jennifer's said: "Things aren't great between them. It's hard because he's filming in New Mexico and she's in Los Angeles. The relationship is strained and their wedding won't happen anytime soon." The actress recently shed 18lbs after unflattering pictures of her on the beach were published. – BANG Media

Jennifer Love Hewitt, her publicist and her friends can blame the delay on the weather, a rough patch, spending too much time apart, money or even space aliens for all I care, but we all know the truth: Jennifer Love Hewitt delayed her wedding because she is secretly in love with me. Sure, I know Jennifer Love Hewitt and I have never met, and I know she is a star and I am a big fat blob of a human being, but you just can’t deny attraction … or maybe that is just extra gravity created by my enormous girth?

Lindsay Lohan looks nice in that shirt

2008-08-25T13:16:00.001-04:00

The Olympics are now over, and I know I really need to return to my normal life of watching cartoons and eating “Fruit by the foot”. But still, Olympic fever rages on and needs to be blogged. Apparently Lindsay Lohan also suffers from Olympic fever and wants to meet Michael Phelps (8 gold medals in swimming for those of you under a rock the last 16 days).

Michael Phelps told Access Hollywood in 2004 that the celebrity he would most like to meet is Lindsay Lohan. Of course that was before she was a cracked out alcoholic quasi-dyke half-way into the unemployment line. It is possible that Michael Phelps might still want to meet Lindsay Lohan, just as it is possible that he might want his cock to turn purple and fall off. Now I am not saying that Lindsay Lohan’s punta is a cock killer, I am just saying that she has had so many cocks going through her that she had to install a parking meter on her taint and an auxiliary cock parking lot in her rectum.

Jessica Simpson + beer = see you Monday!

2008-08-22T10:36:00.001-04:00

Tila Tequila has a girlfriend?

2008-08-22T10:30:00.002-04:00

Courtenay Semel, daughter of former Yahoo! mogul Terry Semel and current girlfriend of the equal-opportunity MTV star, was cited Wednesday in Las Vegas for misdemeanor battery after allegedly hitting a nightclub security guard on the back of the head. - Topix.com

I know I don’t have to wait until there is a quasi-news story that is sort of distantly linked to Tila Tequila in order to post pictures of her, but if I was just slapping up pictures of Tila randomly it would seem like I was exploiting her for blog hits - and of course I am not exploiting Tila Tequila for bog hits, I am exploiting EVERYONE for blog hits!

Anna Faris finally made something I can watch

2008-08-21T12:15:00.002-04:00

I am actually surprised that I have not blogged Anna Faris before. I guess I always say her as funny and goofy, and not necessarily hot. I am sure that The House Bunny is not actually going to change that, but it is going to give dozens of adolescent boys something to wank to this summer. Well, not just boys!

The most unfortunate thing about The House Bunny and Anna Faris is that there is no accompanying Playboy spread to boost the premiere of the movie. That’s right; she will be on the cover, but not inside. So save your $5.95 on the September issue of Playboy and tell all your friends that the drunk Donkey has the most Anna Faris skin anywhere on the net!

Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor take 2008 Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball Gold

2008-08-21T09:36:00.009-04:00

This is my definitive post on the greatest Olympic Sport there is, Women's Beach Volleyball. It is the only athletic competition with bikinis, rock music and dancing girls. Not only do I want to cheer, but I also want to drink beer and throw dollar bills at the competitors ... and who could ask for more than that!

Here are the 2008 Beijing Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball Medalists:
Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor - USA Gold
Jie Wang and Jia Tian - China Silver
Chen Xue and Xi Zhang - Cina Bronze

Why can't I stop thinking about Mariah Carey?

2008-08-21T08:28:00.002-04:00

Mariah Carey concert rider: "THREE (3) SIX PACKS OF DIET COKE, THREE (3) SIX PACKS OF COKE, THREE (3) SIX PACKS OF CAFFEINE FREE COKE…TEA SERVICE FOR 8, MUST USE POLAND SPRINGS WATER…FOUR (4) CHAMPAGNE GLASSES, FOUR (4) WINE GLASSES…ONE (1) BOX OF BENDY STRAWS." Meanwhile "16-OZ PLASTIC BOTTLE OF EVIAN ARE THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE BOTTLES OF WATER FOR THE DRESSING ROOMS." But Poland Springs for tea? We think NOW someone is just checking to see if you're paying attention. Or someone is crazy. - the Smoking Gun.

I am sure some of you are wondering why the heck I would post this random information about Mariah Carey. Well, I have watched "You don't Mess with the Zohan" a few too many times and now I just can't get Mariah Carey out of my mind. The only thing that could have made that scene bearable (and funny) would have been if she had to make out with Rob Schneider. I mean come on, that's comedy gold right there!

Jennifer Love Hewitt wants to be nude

2008-08-20T12:42:00.003-04:00

I wish I had been nude from the time I was 12 until I was 28. I looked great! I want to tell all young girls to walk around in bikinis all summer—and enjoy it. I want to tell them to never, ever feel bad about anything, because there will be that one day in your 20s when you’ll eat a hamburger and actually see the hamburger on the side of your leg. Initially it’s shocking, and you think, Whoa, I have to actually think about what I eat and work out double the amount I did before. - Jennifer Love Hewitt, Health Magazine

I don't really care much about Jennifer Love Hewitt being nude from the age of 12 until 28, but I sure wouldn't mind if she wanted to come over to my house and be nude until the middle of next week. Well, as long as she promises not to have any of those hamburger legs she is talking about ...

"Hi Jennifer Love Hewitt, you look fantastic naked. Is that a hamburger on your leg?"
"Yes it is. And a milkshake too ..."
... and no one ever heard from Jennifer Love Hewitt again ...

Kelly Brook is not upset over Billy Zane

2008-08-20T08:05:00.003-04:00

Here are some pictures of Kelly Brook quietly seeking closure from her recently ended relationship with Billy Zane. I know it’s not cool to knock a brother when he is down, but look at Kelly Brook – she doesn’t look too upset to be minus one “the Phantom”.

You know, Kelly Brook, if you like guys that dress up in tights and pretend to be superheroes, I can always go into my little sisters closet and steal one of her old Tutus. I could call myself “The Ballerina” and fight crime at night while doing Grande Jetés from rooftop to roof top until I drop the bad guy with a Pas de Cheval and then finish him with my signature move, the Teabag Plié.

I just bought a Nissan, but I am not sure why ...

2008-08-20T07:57:00.001-04:00

Ok, this has nothing at all to do with celebrities, but it is a TV commercial so give me a little leeway here. Wait, what am I asking permission from you for? I spend my precious time writing this blog and you come here and read it for free!

Enough with the rant, enjoy! (buy Nissan)

Kim Kardashian and Carmen Electra Disaster

2008-08-19T10:17:00.003-04:00

There are some days I am just happy to be alive. Like today, when I found out that exploitation is alive and well – this time in the form of a lingerie wrestling match between Kim Kardashian and Carmen Electra in the new movie “Disaster Movie”.

Is it just me or is Carmen Electra in every slapstick send-up comedy released in the last 5 years? Not that I mind. Let’s face it; I have lost many layers of skin to this woman during her career. Could it be that Carmen Electra is now passing the B-movie sex-ploitation torch to Kim Kardashian? There are parts of me that tingle in anticipation!

Rihanna doing her thing

2008-08-19T08:20:00.000-04:00

You know, I don’t claim to be up to date on all the latest fashion trends, but I always thought that women were supposed to wear the top and bottom of the same bikini when they went swimming. As usual, a celebrity – this time Rihanna - has exposed my ignorance of these things. Or maybe she just couldn’t find a bikini with a small top and big ass bottom? I don’t know.

I shouldn’t kid Rihanna for having a booty though. I mean my bathing suit is actually a 4 man tent with leg holes cut out. But, if it’s ever raining (raining raining) I can just duck under Rihanna’s butt for shelter … who needs an umbrella?

Tara Reid looks kind of sober

2008-08-13T08:28:00.001-04:00

I don’t blog enough about Tara Reid. I am pretty sure if I followed her around all day I could find 3 or 4 posts in her daily exploits. Of course that would mean getting up of the couch and walking, and possibly missing the Olympic Ping-Pong semi-finals (Go Randy Daytona!).

Well, here are some pictures of Tara Reid looking kind of sober and only semi dishevelled. I am not sure why her t-shirt breaks the word “California” into 3 parts – from the looks of it you could fit California and probably some parts of New Mexico on those boobs – which is probably the number of people that have touched them. I’m just kidding, just because a chick is drunk all the time does not make her a slut – that is just a personal choice.

Marilou Dozois-Prevost is a Power House of hotness

2008-08-13T08:25:00.000-04:00

Being the fat lazy bastard that I am, I really have nothing to do for the next 2 weeks but sit around and watch the Olympics and eat Cheez-its in my undershirt. But, one of the benefits of all this free time is that once in a while I come across some obscure person who is totally deserving of being bloggularly exploited.

Take, for instance, Marilou Dozois-Prevost (Canadian Olympic Power-lifter). Sure I can’t pronounce her name, but this girl weighs 105 pounds and tosses around 200 pounds the way I toss around a stick of fried butter. I don’t know what is scarier about Marilou Dozois-Prevost: her power or her good looks. I don’t know if Marilou Dozois-Prevost is single or not, but I am sure one day some lucky dude will make her a good wife (of course what I mean is, become her man-bitch).

Jennifer Aniston will poke your eyes out

2008-08-11T08:14:00.000-04:00

What can I say? Jennifer Aniston has some huge freaky nipples. I know it’s been said before and, let’s face it, there was a TV series based on it that ran for 10 years.

I really have nothing more to say about Jennifer Aniston so:

Two phone company guys are laying line in a remote area of Arizona. One guy goes to take a piss in the bushes and gets bitten on the tip of his penis by a rattle snake. The other repair man taps into the line and calls emergency 911.

“Quick help, my partner just got bit by a rattle-snake, what should I do?”
“Just relax sir. All you have to do is suck out the poison and he should be ok.”
The snake-bitten man turns to his friend and asks “What did they say?”
“You’re going to die.”